TSITS: Joseph A Bank

Here's a quick fact for you, no one has ever purchased something from Jos. A. Bank at full price. Not because its tough to do so, or because they often have sales, or because people are good shoppers. The reason is pretty simple, it is literally impossible to purchase something at full price at this store. Impossible.

Let's take a quick look at the sale going on today: Well for starters the entire website is on sale for 50% off, but there's more, your second item is 60% off and your third item is, you guessed it, 70% off. Oh and if you are somehow able to spend $175 with all of these discounts, the shipping is free. I mean seriously, how does this place even make money? They must have hundreds of acres of warehouse space holding decades worth of suits.

Have you heard their commercials? They run approximately all the time and are always encouraging you to act now as their sale is "just today", or "just this weekend", or "just Monday through Wedneday", or "just the month of September", or "just until the Vernal Equinox", or "just on days that end in "y". I mean seriously that ad department is also the shit. Everything about Jos A Bank is the shit.

But, even better, Jos. A. Bank is a publicly traded company - JOSB. I mean seriously that shit is the shit. Can you imagine sitting down with your financial planner to go over your stocks and bonds and CDs and whatever else people who know how to manage their money discuss, and your financial person goes, "Yeah, so I'd like to diversify your portfolio. I just got a hot tip that I think will pay dividends. It's a little company called Joseph A Bank and their upcoming 50% - 70% off sale is really going to push their stock prices through the roof." Thats when you know you need a #BAILOUT!

The final icing on the well fitting handsome JOSB cake is that their absurd suit sales - you know sales where you can get three suits for the price of one - can be mixed and matched. That is you can go into a JOSB store (best of luck trying not to find one - my favorite location is the Baltimore Airport next to the Silver Diner, I mean talk about living the life: Milkshake? Check. Three new JOSB suits for under $300? Check.) with three of your friends and each of you can get a suit with that same deal. Amazing.

While I do not currently own anything from the 'Bank. I feel that it is truly only a matter of time before I get decked out in some dapper middle quality suiting. I mean that shit is the shit afterall.

So JOSB for doing everything in your power to not make a profit, for offering up suits for next to nothing, for having advertisements that make it seen like your sales are uncommon and for having a store location at seemingly every corner, I am pleased to announce that you are seriously the shit.

TSITS: Gold Rush Alaska

Have you seen "Gold Rush Alaska" on the Discovery Channel yet? If not, do yourself a frickin' service and check that shit out. Why? Because that shit is seriously the shit.

I was introduced to this piece of TV a little over a week ago and fell in love with that shit right from the start. Here's the general premise. Take a bunch of down on their luck guys between the ages of 34 and 65 from Oregon (Note: They aren't actually from Alaska) and dump them onto Porcupine Creek, Alaska - a place that may or may not actually exist - to mine for gold. Yes, mine for gold. What could possibly go wrong? Or in this case, what could possibly go right?

The best part of this show, unlike other Discovery Channel/History Channel shows, is that these guys suck at what they do. No real "Tangible Skills" in this group. They seemingly have no idea how to do anything right. Things are always breaking or not even up and running and once they do they just break again. Moreover, it's completely unclear to me what exactly it is they've been doing the entire time they've been at Porcupine Creek aside from jackassing around and either making Moonshine or cooking meth. What is clear to me is that these guys sure don't mine for gold.

Let's give some background on this League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, courtesy, of course, of Wikipedia

• Todd Hoffman (age 41) – Todd operated an aviation business until the economy soured. Remembering his father's gold mining adventures in the 1980s, Todd manages to secure a mining claim (from a friend of his father), then assembles the equipment and rest of the crew to move to Alaska.
• Jack Hoffman (age 65) – father of Todd, he previously mined for gold in Alaska 25 years ago, and joins the crew for a second chance to live his dream.
• Jimmy Dorsey (age 34) – a former realtor who was forced to move his family into his in-law's house. A self-confessed adrenaline junkie, he is the only crew member with no experience in construction.
• James Harness (age 54) – the crew mechanic, he prides himself on being able to repair nearly anything. However, a car wreck has left him with metal pins in his ankle and a severe spinal injury which, due to lack of finances, he cannot afford to have surgically repaired.
• Greg Remsburg (age 41) – lifelong friend of Todd, he is an experienced construction supervisor. However, he has not had steady work and has been forced to take handouts to feed his family.
• Jim Thurber (age 54) – an expert sheet metal worker with more than 30 years experience, he serves as the crew's safety officer. The economic downturn cost him his business, and one more late mortgage payment will result in foreclosure.

Be sure to keep a close eye and ear on Jack Hoffman, he is the perfect stereotype for this show. He is old, can't hear, has the perfect high pitched voice and adds nothing to the efforts of everyone else.

Now, to be clear, these guys aren't living in tents, they have a virtual "Main Street" of cabins and stores, hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of heavy machinery, an endless supply of conversation topics about how much money they can make on a good gold day. Did I mention the beards? They look like those Olde Timey photo booths at an amusement park.

While I've only seen a couple of episode I knew immediately that that shit is the shit. I'm yet to see them actually mine any gold, but I'm sure once they do any and everything will go wrong and it will be hilarious when it inevitably does. So check our Gold Rush Alaska, you will be glad you did because that shit is seriously the shit.

TSITS: The Unsolicited "Reply-All" Email

Ah yes, the mass email. You know how it goes.

"Oh hey guys, sorry to email all of you but I just got a new phone, can you send me your number?"

"Hey I'm moving on Saturday, are any of you around to help me move?"

"I'm throwing a surprise party for Mitch Michaelson on Saturday, can you make it?"

I mean look at those emails, they are just ripe for the unsolicited reply all response, which is seriously the shit.

Now in all fairness, I should say that this is directed at personal emails and not work email. Work email is a different beast due to the sheer volume of work emails. But even then, and especially when it is clear that the person reply'ing all to a work email has no grasp of technology, they can be humorous.

OK, let's take a look at the mass email that undoubtedly commands a reply-all response. It usually consists of an absurd collection of email addressees, I mean have you ever taken a look at who is on these email lists? It's a hilarious smattering of work addresses - trevorbradley@marketingconsultants.net family addresses - grandpajoe@netscape.com - siblings AnGeLpRiNcEsS@hotmail.com random email addresses RGATE@friendster.com and blatantly old addresses rkitson@hamilton.edu.

Moreover, the mass email is always trivial. Want to know why it's always trivial? How many mass emails start with some variation of, "Hey sorry to send a mass email, but ..."? First of all, you aren't sorry. Second of all as a recipient of this email you have cordially invited anyone to take advantage of their one responsibility - and that responsibility is seriously the shit - the unsolicited reply all email response.

Any time I get a mass email (of any size really) I take it upon myself to reply all with some average comment. I can't tell you the number of times I've been at a party with some people that I am just meeting and I get the comment, "Oh, so you're Paxton, the one who always replies to emails." Actually, I can, two or three times, but at any rate, boom, ice broken, friend made.

Now you may be asking yourself, how do I compose a reply-all email? Well looking at the examples I provided above I would go with something along the lines of: 1) I would give out the work number of a friend who is also on the address list 2) Something involving BAILOUT 3) YouTube clip from "Point Break" Are any of those particularly funny? Absolutely not, but the important thing is that I replied all, that shit is seriously the shit.

So take advantage of your First Amendment rights (READ THE BILL) and throw a little reply-all response into your next mass email, people will appreciate your average response and you don't want to be friends with the type of people who get upset with reply-all emails anyway.

TSITS: Frank's Red Hot

Know what I'm going to do after I finish writing this thing? That's right, I'm going to put on a sweatshirt and shorts and the same slippers I've had since (second) 9th grade and make a pot of coffee and a pan of eggs and literally destroy this hangover. Want to know what I'm going to do after that? I'm going to draw a bath. A bath of Frank's Red Hot for my eggs.

Now I struggled a bit with this post because I didn't want TSITS to get into advertising, but Frank's is just too damn good not to include it. Frank's is seriously the shit. Here's why it's the shit, Frank's has all the spice, swagger and kick I expect from any self respecting red liquid. But, it's unique taste elevates Frank's above the riff raff. Frank's is hot, but it complements your food, not obliterates into inedible mess that is more akin to a post-2012 nuclear wasteland. Tabasco sauce and the like is just hot, it doesn't add to the taste of the food it just throws some generic "hot" onto whatever it comes into contact with - thanks but no thanks. Frank's on the other hand gives you the heat you need but also simply tastes good on anything - Eggs? Check. Sandwiches? Check. Burgers? Check. Nachos? Check. A glass of Frank's Red Hot? Check. Oatmeal? Check. Salad? Check. Hell, it even tastes good plain.

So settle into your day, but make sure to throw a bit of Frank's on top first, you won't regret it. It is for it's confidence in how hot it is, it's multi-flavor taste and ability to improve everything it comes into contact with that Frank's Red Hot is the type of shit that is the shit.

TSITS: Wikipedia

TSITS scenario time: You're in a jam. You need some data fast. But where to get it? If only I knew the state tree of Wyoming! Where can I find this information? A state website? Please, I need that beta post haste, I don't have time to wade through typical government red tape and bureaucracy. If only there was a place for me to go where I could find that info as well as Genesis' catalogue, the history of the Jeep Grand Cherokee, the definition of comma splice and a biography of Ron Popeil.

Well friends, you are in luck because such a place exists and let me assure you that it's the shit. That place? Wikipedia. Say it with me now, BAILOUT!

My first run in with the Wiki was junior year of college, well before I knew that it was not academically appropriate/necessary to cite Wiki in papers - typical east coast liberal elitists just judging me from their ivory towers - I was scrambling to prepare for a test on a book that I hadn't exactly read. So I needed some definitions stat. Once I exhausted the books index I went to the googles and one site kept coming up in my search results and answering all of my questions. You got it, Wikipedia. I was hooked.

I mean seriously this place has it all. It is perfect for the curious individual to learn about stuff. I'm not talking about heavy brain lifting, just some basic online book learnin'. Now I know people can edit the articles as they see fit and that if you really want to learn something you should read a book or whatever. But the Wiki is perfect for that head scratcher that you can't solve. It's also a great time waster. I love just getting lost in Wiki and checking out mid-90's hockey player bios, random company history and of course checking to see if someone has written an article about me. I'll give you a hint: Not yet.

A friend of mine loves Wiki. She loves it so much that she actually donates to keep it running. While I don't share her generosity, I share her respect for it. It's the site that the internet was made for - a catch all information dump where people can go to one off and get their information free of charge. What else could you ask for? The answer is nothing, but if you do think of something, look it up in Wiki, I bet you'll find your answer.

For it's endless source of information, entertainment and fun that Wikipedia is the shit that is the shit.

TSITS: Average Beer

Did you know that Portland, Oregon has the most micro-breweries per capita in the US? Have you ever seen what appears to be a bottle of wine but instead is some crazy beer from the Czech Republic that cost $45? Ever offer to grab some beers and have one of your friends request a beer that was extra hoppy and not know what that means?

Welcome to the world of micro-brews. Now, please leave. Why? Because this isn't called "That shit isn't the shit" this is called "That shit is the shit" and you know what's the shit? Average beers.

Let's be clear here, I'm not against micro-brews, I like them, they make you feel good by supporting some little guy in a brewery on either the
Northeast or Northwest coast who looks like Geppetto bikes to work buys wind energy and is just passionate about his craft blah blah blah.

Good for you (GFY), and I hate to kill the buzz from your 17 different varieties of barely, but average beers are the shit. Miller High Life is, obviously, my favorite. Why? I don't know. I just know that I can buy a six pack for less than $5 take it home sit down and drink one, four or six of them and have myself a nice little night. Or I could go buy a case of Coors Original, "The Banquet Beer" and bring them over to a friends, dump them into a kiddie pool of ice and settle in for a nice long pretension free night.

Why else are average beers the shit? Quite simply, they have to work to stick out from the pack. So what do they do? They put in superfluous technology and that is also the shit. Like color changing mountains - just in case you lose your sense of touch you can rely upon the rockies turning blue to warn you that you are about to crack open a nice cold one. Disaster averted, "Christ, to think I was about to have luke warm Coors Light? Thank the Gods for these blue mountains." Or take the vortex bottle, which seems to be just a bunch of grooves on the inside of the bottle. This is designed to make the beer pour smoother - which we all know has been a long standing problem with Miller Light. "Damnit, my Miller Light is all foamy. We can put a man on the moon but we can't get my ML to pour smoothly? Is there no justice in this world?" Those are the technological advances that are seriously the shit.

I'll always remember being in college and friend's parents coming to visit and laughing at our 30 racks of Keystone Light. "How do you guys even drink that stuff?" they'd ask. I just figured that no longer drinking cheap beer would be a right of passage as you get older, like backhair. But you know what? I still love seeing 'stones in the fridge, and still like sitting down with the old reliable blue can and putting on the Pearl Jam DVD now as much as I did then.

So it's for their full bodied flavor that always fills you up and never lets you down that average beers are seriously the shit.

TSITS: The Lake House

Ahh, water-based vacation properties. Is anything more upper middle class (aside from your hybrid SUV, grass fed burgers and closet full of technical outerwear)? While one could argue that both salty and non-salty forms of water-based vacation properties are the shit, it is the lake house that is truly the shit.

Beaches are great, I mean who doesn't love the sound of waves? But there is something about the lake and lake house that is seriously the shit. Whether its the calm that the water provides, the abundance of docks for sitting, drinking, pretending to fish and paddling (your choice on what order to put those into) or the views of the lake and surrounding mountains, the lake house is seriously the shit.

I mean just look at that photo. Seriously look at it. When I look at that photo, The Band's "The Night They Drove Ole Dixie Down" comes into my mind. Why? I don't know, but I bet that song would sound awesome being played over some speakers at that lake house. Just look at that porch, that awesome furniture, which was undoubedly collected from the forest and built by someone with "Tangible Skills", that support beam created with those huge field stones, the log cabin style architecture, the fact that the place probably smells old and slightly musty and, God willing, the only available shower is located outside. TSITS! Let's do some relaxing.

Still not convinced? Allow me to set the stage for you. You are in the mountains, sitting on a porch not unlike the one pictured above, the sun is out, the grill is hot and the lake is luke. You have a bunch of beers a bunch of food and a bunch of compatriots. You sit down in a chair made from fallen branches (I mean seriously), sip your beer and take a look across the lake towards the mountains. Should I go for a hike? Should I go for a swim? Should I paddle across the lake for no real reason? Should I continue to sit here and fall asleep? Or not fall asleep? Am I seriously asking these questions? At any rate, I dare you not to relax. See, impossible.

So, the others can have their Hamptons, their Miami, their Vineyard, their Jersey Shore, their Redneck Riviera, their SoCal, their Caribbean - just leave me with a nice rustic lake house, a dock, a grill, a refrigerator full of beers, some friends, clear nights and some goddamn silence. Join me, won't you? Now that shit is the shit.